A journey across half the globe. Three half fights between us (Definition – I fought , she listened ). Quite a few happy moments , with me giggling at my own jokes, on most occasions. And we are still together , with me admitting that she has contributed most to the fact that the relationship is going as strong as a well fed wrestler .
This experience has changed , and continues to change quite a few things around me .
I mean , my telephone bills have ‘changed’ by a noticeable margin , to the horror of my mom and to the sheer delight of the telephone company .,and believe it or not , for the first time in my life , I ambled into a Jewellery store , looked at the decked up salesgirl as she eyed me suspiciously and mouthed the words “ I want a pair of earrings.” . Ok , the Ripley’s part ends here , because I gave up after looking at seven earrings , wondering how could anyone choose between things which are equally tiny , equally shiny and meant to be completely hidden under hair anyway.
But while the stuff which has changed around me is varied , with an entire chapter justified for how my family took it and almost fed me to dinosaurs , the most felt change for me , has been inside me.
I mean , not that my kidneys have changed color , I am talking about internal transformation .
You know , this is not the first time someone put her faith in me . Is not the first time someone thought she would have me besides her in every storm . Is not the first time someone put me in a position where I could hurt her , trusting that I would not. Idiot , I am . Guaranteed.
After all that past , it was like god had e-mailed me a letter confirming that I was incapable of taking care of anybody , except my bike maybe .
I had vividly visualized a Dolby surround system installed life where I would live alone , watching HBO and eating pizzas only to die someday with the unpaid credit card guys being the only ones bothered by my death .
When I looked at myself in the mirror , I saw a guy who had run away from every difficult situation of his life . A guy who thought ‘walking away’ is a cool thing to do , yet ashamed in his heart. A guy who had come to believe that life is this meaningless string of moments , and more scaringly for me , had lost the will to find a meaning in this string of moments .
I know it was no holocaust I had faced , and there are people who have seen worse things such as a college hostel’s food , but to my mind , I was a useless failure , who could earn money , but was worse than a China made plastic bicycle when it came to reliability and trust.
And then she came along. Strong minded . Independent . Graceful . Elegant . A lady who had the sensitivity of a petal to heal life , yet the strength of a tree to face life . A heart which could absorb all pain , yet could shed tears touched by the pain of a stranger. A soul which held an understanding the very wise have , yet cares like the most innocent child ever. In short , my complete , geometrical opposite.
Considering the opinion I had about myself , I believe it would have taken a lot of foolishness for me to believe I could be the guy she deserved , and to this day , I believe I am lesser than the guy she deserves.
But yet , since that day , she has been a friend , a guide and an inspiration for me . Without trying to teach me , she has given me something I could never give myself , something no amount of movies could give me , something no amount of hours immersed at work could give me .
She has given me a reason.
She has given me the reason to believe I can be a better man when she says she trusts me in spite of my behavior.
She has given me the reason to wake up at 4.30 in the morning to ensure she is ok , even though it is hard getting up that early .
She has given me the reason to feel special as she remembers me .
She has given me the reason to call her as I grip the steering wheel with one hand, imagining the smile that would emerge on her face seeing my name on the cell screen. Pretty dangerous , that driving stunt . Don’t tell her.
She has given me the reason to stand up to accusations and screams , determined not to step aside , but to go through them.
She has given me the reason to choose the hard but right path , having learnt from her that a righteous life is better than a convenient life.
She has given me the reason to again believe that goodness and simplicity can exist and thrive in this world inhabited by greed , egos and exorbitant petrol prices.
She has given me the reason to know I am going to be all right , because my definition of being ‘all right’ has changed from not facing problems to solving them.
She has given me the reason to truly wish a smile on the face of someone not even aware of my own presence in that moment.
She has given me the reason to feel accepted , not because I am perfect , but because someone does not expect perfection.
In a way , I think I never cared about the kind of guy I was . A bunch of mistakes , I lacked the reason and the confidence to do anything about every mistake I had committed.
She gave me the reason to want to be a man better than who I am.
You know , I know I will never be the man she deserves to be with . But for the first time in my life , someone has gained that place in my world that I am willing to happily try till my last moment.
Probably everyone else thinks this story is following the normal , bollywood inspired storyline , and will end up fizzing out in a few months or years , replaced by the real questions , but I know she will always be the same special one for me.
From that dream about death amongst pizza cartons and a TV remote , I dream about a life which ends with the joy of having lived for people I really loved.
Because while a boy finds a girl who keeps him happy , this boy has found a girl he wants to keep happy .
While a boy finds a girl to live happily with , this boy has found a reason to live happily for.
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